Cootersnap!

Fuck the world, fuck you, and fuck the horse you rode in on.

Now that that's out of my system, this morning I stumbled across the raccoon dick bone a Lakota-Sioux had given me a long time ago. This guy would come to George's (the bar in which I work/play) and leave some of the strangest things for me in my tip cup. Once it was mule teeth wrapped in red string and connected to a leather strap, another time a coyote tooth, and even once (having been 'gone' for a month) he turned up with a pipe stem he had carved for me (with the instructions that I had to create the bowl). But this one day in particular, he left me a raccoon dick bone with a dollar bill and a piece of leather wrapped around the base of it. I don't think the guy had any idea I knew what a raccoon dick bone was (hey, I'm from Iowa and you can't swing a dead cat without hitting a raccoon dick bone in the spring), but suffice it to say, the next time I saw him, he got an earful. I took the whole thing as an insult... I mean, what's up with the dollar bill? Am I right here?

Anyway, this post isn't really about raccoon dick bones and the like. I just found it today and it made me remember this guy who left dead animal bits in my tip cup.

However, I do feel like bitching a little. I haven't been laid in the three weeks, and I'm starting to wonder if the viking is going to head north (to head south) anytime soon. Man, am I being blown off? Again? Kinda pisses me off. Why is it that most of the guys I date have an emotional IQ of 14? I'm too old and too tired for this shit. Hell, I'm turning 30fucking9 years old on August 31st (yes, I expect y'all to remember that and send flowers) and the longest relationship I've ever sustained was just about two long hellish years. Fuck. At least I got that with the viking. But now I'm spoiled and I WANT TO GET LAID. NOW. I'm in my prime, for chrissakes!! (As my brother-in-law would say "Ang, maybe you need a bigger dog." What a sick fuck).

Well, enough of my (lack of) sex life. Let's discuss raccoons. First off, how many of you know what a raccoon dick bone looks like? I'll tell ya. It's shaped like a question mark (?). Believe it or not. The end of the curved part (the head) is bisected... looks kinda like a snake tongue. When they mate, the male 'locks' into the female. If you ever come across two raccoons mating, you'll notice they won't separate until dude is done. 'Cause they can't. Well, I'd like my own version of a raccoon dick bone and not separate from someone 'til I'M done. Fair 'nuff.

I'm working at the bar today. I only work there on Saturdays. Monday through Friday, my 'real' job is business manager for an architectural firm. Woo. My world is somewhat limited. But today, well... it's all about me. I'm going to carry that raccoon dick bone with me all day long and see if it nets me some good luck. If so, I will spread the joy and pass it on to someone else who needs it. (Yes, Marco, I'm bettin' you get it next...)

So, sorry faithful readers for my little bitch rant. I don't even know for sure if the viking is blowing me off, but my choche is screaming out for some attention. In the meantime, guess I'll get back to my coffee and cartoons...