Thursday, May 13, 2004


All right, so last night I was hanging out at George's with Micah and Mona. For whatever reason, we were just GOING OFF on 'female stuff'. Having sat back most of the evening just dipping into the conversation from time to time, I decided to tell the story of THE TIME I HAD A URINARY TRACT INFECTION **drum roll, please**

At the time I'd been dating some jackass or other, and to blow off steam from enduring hours of his ego, I'd go the rec center and play racquetball. So there I am one day, acourt, when I just got this overwhelming urge to piss in the corner. I ran to the locker room, eked out a flaming drizzle of pee, when it struck me: somethin' wasn't right with my choche!

So after the game (which didn't last nearly as long as my many treks back to the locker room), I went to the Rx for a little OTC medication for this nasty, irritating affliction. I'm sure all you ladies know what's comin' next. Yep. The stuff turned my urine into day-glo Tang. After about three days of this, I decided I better go to the doctor.

Here's the great part of this story... I'm not sure I've ever been more embarrassed in my life. Oh wait. I have. I'll post a new section for that... Anyhoo, I go up to the counter in a very crowded waiting room, and this **deaf** woman asks me why I'm there. I demurely tried to tell her I needed to be treated for a UTI, whereupon she repeats it, only about 60 gazillion decibels louder. Ok, great. Thanks bitch. You got the Mennonite women to blush.

Eventually I'm shown to a restroom and given a cup to pee in. However, they've changed the rules for pissing into a damn cup from when I was in high school. I couldn't just hold it under the stream; I actually had to SPREAD (*ahem*) myself in such a manner that I guess would allow no pubes to fall into the specimen cup. Why a pube or two would throw off the test, I don't know. Unfortunately, somewhere in this process, I missed rule number fucking seven or something, and when I let myself go, my day-glo went EVERYWHERE! The last time I had pissed on my own self was camping in 1976 when I was a kid (and I still don't pee in nature to this day because of it).

So here I am sitting on this toilet with my HAND covered in pee, my left LEG covered in pee, my right KNEE covered in pee, and a nice puddle at my feet. Shit. How could this really get any worse? I'll tell you. That OTC medshit STAINS. I was in that damn bathroom for half an hour trying to clean the orange from the white tile (I'm a Virgo), trying to 'out, out damned spot' my various limbs all to no avail. And did I mention that it was a normal hot and humid August day in Iowa? You know, the kinda day you wake up and half convince yourself that it really would be ok if wore your underwear outside. So what's a girl to do? Well, I held my head high, walked back up to the counter, handed my steaming cup o' piss to the deaf woman (with a matching day-glo hand), and shouted "Here's my urine specimen for you to test out for a possible urinary tract infection!!!" The Mennonites were cowering by now, but damn it, I just wasn't going to be embarrassed again because I'd had SEX with a JACKASS that gave me a UTI.

And that, my friends, is the story of THE TIME I HAD A URINARY TRACT INFECTION.

I think I will go cower with the Menonites.

By the way, Martini's was VERY loud and full of obnoxiuos twenty-somethings last night.
Ha!! What's the 'A' for? Allen? Man, I'm a little slow on the uptake. Unfortunately, I received an e-mail this morning stating that my UTI story was TMI. Geez, it's not like I'm discussing vagina dentata or anything... Anyhoo, I think I'll do a series of my most embarrassing stories. Just wish I could figure out how to break this blog into various forums instead of having the never-ending scroll. Also wish I could figure out how to change the damn clock! Ah well... I'm the most technically inept person I know.
Does this mean you're going to pee on me? Cause that's sick.
Pooter, you are such a twisted ass freak. For the LAST time... NO, I will not pee on you! I don't care how much you beg!
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