Sunday, July 04, 2004

I am a sentimental fool. And for whatever reason, I started to think about all the times in my life that had I chosen Door B, things would be sooo different. That door would be me following my instincts, not necessarily my heart. We've all made mistakes. I know. Mine just tend to be in the romance department. I've been proposed to four times in my life. Had I known the last time would be the last, well... let's just say I wouldn't be sitting here, alone, wondering if I'm lovable. How pathetic is that?

Anyway, so I was at work yesterday trying to be the happy bartender. I love my job for the most part. It's a big departure from my 'real' world. I can be myself, I can be crass if I want to, and I can make people feel good about themselves. But yesterday, I just wanted to feel good about ME. Alas, for whatever reason, all I felt was low. I was missing the viking, my youth, my idealism, the thought that once upon a time someone really, really cared for me. And I'm not talking about the viking there. Not sure he ever 'cared'. Don't get me wrong... he's a great guy, but we went into our relationship with two very different ideas. I can't really speak for him, but my guess (based upon some of the things he said to me) is that I was some kind of trophy. That is, until he got to know me. He once called me a 'legend'. No, I'm not tooting my own horn; it made me feel old and washed up. Besides, Iowa City is a small enough town, that if you've been here for more than seven years, that by itself makes you a 'legend'. I, on the other hand, went into this relationship thinking REBOUND. I needed someone to make me feel good after a really shit-ass breakup with a guy who did nothing but make me doubt myself, hate myself... it made me crazy. And then I started to really like the viking. He was tender, he listened, he said all the right things. I really like his friends; they are loving, accepting people. And he was great in bed. I couldn't keep my hands off him. Maybe that had more to do with the fact that my former boyfiend denied me sex for the last year and a half of our relationship. Does this speak volumes about my patience? Or my stupidity?

So here I was, stuck behind the bar while life was going on. It's Jazz Fest time here in IC... and unfortunately, most of it got rained out (3 inches in half and hour... yikes!) When I got off work, Jason came down for awhile, and Mark, who out of all my friends actually GETS me. Maybe it's a Virgo thing, I don't know. But I can say some of the lamest shit to this guy and he'll nod and say he understands. Jason only stayed a few hours, and right now is on his way back to Phoenix for another two weeks. Mark and I sat around for a little bit after Jas left, both of us saying "I gotta go home early tonight" when Pooter and Sue showed up, and shortly thereafter Miz Mimi. Turns out they drug our sorry asses down to the fest where we feasted on yummy Indian food and then jockeyed places in front of the stage to hear Soul Live. If any of you ever have a chance to see them, DO IT!

Hmmm... guess I lost the thread of what the hell I was talking about. But that's ok, isn't it?

Right now 'The Deer Hunter' is on. I've been putzing around, playin' with the Poog, then decided to do a deep search for my motorcycle manual. (Got an electrical problem that needs fixing). Then I found a bunch of pictures that remind of happy times in my life, so out of sheer vanity (probably) I'm gonna post some of them. Stay tuned.

I hope you did not watch The Deer Hunter. It's a great movie but, honey pie, it's a wee bit of a downer. Thank God for good friends, and sentimentality!
Meg, oddly enough, I got a call from Miz Mimi in the nick of time. So we had 'church services' instead and created our ode to jesus.

Pour me another glass of Jesus,
Lawd, let him course all through my veins.
I'da given him this mornin'
If he'da taken me last night,
But he got too much Magdelene on the braaaaain....
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