Saturday, November 06, 2004

Cooter sez...*updated*

"Thank you for calling Cootersnap. All Cooters are currently busy with other peeps... please stay online and your questions will be answered in the order in which they were received..."

"Hello, this is Cooter. How may I help you?"

Inanna asks: What flaw would you most want your significant other to overlook in you and what pet peeve would you be most likely to overlook in a significant other?
Cooter sez: I wasn't aware I had any flaws... but I s'pose if I had a significant other, I would want him to overlook how anal I can be (use a coaster, wipe off the countertop if you make a mess, etc.) but still do these leetle beety theengs that make me a happy, smiley Cooter. And what pet peeve (I assume you mean mine, not his) would I overlook... public displays of affection, such as going down on me in a bar, or some such thang...

Defiant Heart asks: If you could have any superpower which one would you choose and why?
Cooter sez: I already HAVE a superpower which is the ability to stick my finger (on the first try) into any man's (fully camouflaged by clothing... no small feat!) belly button. Yes, this is a superpower, because it makes them giggle like a little skewlgrrrl. But if I could choose another, it would be to fly. Why? 'Cuz I appreciate the birds' eye view of life... not to mention, flying dreams are so much fun that I would love to do it in 'real' life.

Local Jewish Ass asks: If you had a choice at being one of the following, which would it be: deaf & mute, blind, or a quadriplegic? And why?
Cooter sez: None of the above. But if I HAD to choose... I struggled with this one, but I'd choose deaf & mute. By process of elimination: I would NEVER want to be blind! I would much rather SEE the music of life, the eternal dance, than to hear it. To be plunged into total darkness would be death to me. It would be like being locked in a closet... too close for me. In short, I'm too damn claustrophobic to be blind. Who the hell would want to be stuck in MY head? As for being a quadriplegic, that'd be too much of a health issue. I'm good enough at sitting on my fat ass as it is... So deaf and mute by default. But at least I'd still be able to get to the library and lie in bed at night and read. Plus, if I was mute, I'd probably have a lot more friends...

3sth3r asks: Most embarrassing situation?
Cooter sez: Damn, Esther!! This is too hard. I suggest you read my archives and take your pick. It would have to be a toss-up between the time my bridesmaid dress split down the back or the time I went sprawling into a daisy bed while trying to impress a stoopid guy. If I knew how to link, I'd set you up with the stories... 'Course, I haven't written about all the embarrassing times in my life... However, one comes to mind: back in my early college days, I'd have to say it was damn embarrassing to FAIL (as in a big Fat EFFFF), one course: Human Sexuality. What can I say? There's a time and place for everything... and I took the final tripping my ass off. It was the greatest test I ever took, even though I scored something like 12% on it. (Lost my scholarship after that semester, too, and it took me until a year ago May to FINALLY get my degree in anthropology). There's a peeing story in here somewhere, too, but I'll save that for a future post.

Kristin asks: Most embarrassing thing you've ever done or had done to you.
Cooter sez: Automatic disqualification for not being in the form of a question. (Just kiddin'). Since I answered Esther regarding embarrassing things I've done, I'll use this to answer what was the most embarrassing thing I've had done to me.... also a hard one (**eeny meeny miny mo...**) Years ago I had messed up one of my knees while on the rowing team in college. My mom took me to the hospital to have it checked out. They had to shoot my knee full of novacaine, dye, and bunch of air. Then the nurse asked me to follow her down the hall for the x-rays. I hopped down from the table and, never having had novacaine before and not realizing what it does, my leg buckled and I landed on my face. That hurt. Wasn't much help that my knee 'farted' for three days, either...

80 asks: Best vacation you ever had.
Cooter sez: New Orleans 1995. Went with three friends for Jazz Fest. Saw Ray Charles. Drank. Ate. I got lost my first night there and wandered around until I ended up in the Chart Room, a bar on Chartre, two blocks south of the Old Absinthe House. Interestingly enough, I ran into another friend there who took me all over the place. I hopped in a cab at 4:30 in the morning to go back to the hotel, but couldn't remember the name, where it was, etc. That cabbie drove my ass all over town for about an hour and a half until I recognized some landmarks. It was most enjoyable cab ride I've ever had. And it was definitely the best weekend. I mean, geez... how can a person NOT have fun in New Orleans? I was there a year and a half ago with Twitch, and while it was fun, I was with his skanky ass. But, I had my free time while he was at a conference. Oh, and this last summer, Miz Meems and I went to Springfield, MO to visit some friends. That was damn hellacious, too. Ah heck, 80, all of my vacations are the best one I've ever had. I LIKE vacation... as long as there are friends, good food, good drink and good conversation, I could have fun in frikkin' Siberia...

Trashman asks: What color underwear are you wearing?
Cooter sez: Creeeeeam.

Catt asks: If you won a gazillion dollars in the lottery, what would you do with it?
Cooter sez: Treat everyone I love to something that would be inherently special to them. Then, I would get a giant headache and not want to deal with it. But at least I'd have that headache in Bora Bora. (Were you looking for the 'good' I'd do with said money?... Sure, I'd give to charities, but who would really benefit? The people who need it, or the people who run it? That's why I'd treat my friends and family to their wildest dreams...) One person at a time....

Meg asks: Did you see? (She's referring to the new Jarmusch film)
Cooter sez: No, but after I win the gazillion dollars, I'm going to buy it. And a theater. And have a Jim Jarmusch film fest, followed by a Coen Bros. film fest, followed by...

Michael asks: What celebrity should play you in the movie version of your life?
Cooter sez: Jamie Lee Curtis. I've heard we look somewhat similar. I still don't see it. But I love the fact she's a brassy bitch. However, nobody gonna be makin' a movie 'bout the Cooter.

Ed Sid asks: If you had 3 days to live, what would you do? And if you were still alive on the fourth day, would you have any regrets?
Cooter sez: I would have as much sex as I possibly could. And, um... NO. (Well, hopefully...) Seriously, Ella Seed, I think I would go camping (something I've always wanted to do and haven't... except for a brief stint with the fam in 1974; a yellow sleeping bag with smiley faces on it doesn't really prepare you for mountain cooooold) with as many people as I could get to go. I would want to see every sunset, every sunrise... of course, I'd probably have to be on speed. But for the overall end question... no. No regrets. I don't have them now, I won't have them when I prepare to die. As a friend says: I made this coat, and I will wear it.

Vadergrrrl asks: How do you define "misogyny"?
Cooter sez: You goofy bitch!! LMFAO!! Um... those bastards... and what's the alterno-gender word? Dyke doesn't cut it. But let's come up with something new, shall we?... I like miso soup. Gyn = woman. Y = ish. Misogyny - soupy womanish. Or soupish woman. Anyone we know?

Seth asks: Why did you pick a pug? If you had to rename Iowa, what would you rename it as? If you could remove 2 words from the English language, what would they be? If you had to eat the same thing for a week, what do you choose?
Cooter sez: He chose me. Heaven. I do. Sushi. (Boggling at the possibilities... but geez...)

Celti: Thanks. Feelin' a tad more humanish.

Kristen asks: Well, why don't you do like they do at the Actor's Studio and give yourself the Bernard Pivot questionnaire?
Cooter sez: 'Cuz I'm not an actress... but I'll answer the questions, even though I CANNOT STAND James Lipton.... Serendipity. Bigot. Water. Lies. Motherfuckertittysuckertwoballbitch OR cocksucker. Laughter. **queef**. Editor. Soldier. "You're fucking late again, Bellew!"

Jack asks: I'm not too late, am I?
Cooter sez: Day late, dollar short? But I'm not a punitive kinda gal. You want to know about a happy moment in my life? There are many Many MANY. But one (only one) of the happiest moments I ever experienced was when I found a person in my life that accepted me. Every single time he walked into a room, my stomach flipped, my heart turned over. And when he told me "I love you", the world stopped for just an instant. And I felt at home. But it didn't work out...

Catt asks: When are you coming to visit me?
Cooter sez: When you're done with school and I can afford it. So, say... a few years? Or what about meeting up in New Orleans? **chortle chortle**

Jay asks: What does "cootersnap" mean?
Cooter sez: Whatever you want it to mean, baby.... Actually, Michael partially answered by quoting my response to 'cooter' definition. My first few posts refer to how I came up with the title of said blog. Since then, I suppose it's taken on a life of its own, eh? But, to me, it sincerely does not mean a lot. I'm not a man-hater. I don't bite (anymore, mostly). But I love turtles. And I'm a snappy bitch.

Thomas asks: What was your favorite breakfast cereal growing up, and when was the last time you had a bowl of it?
Cooter sez: QUISP!! I loved Quisp!! I want a Quisp tee-shirt!! I want a pallet of Quisp!! They stopped selling it in the midwest years ago. Man, how I loved my martian bowl of goodness...

So, until such time another question may be asked, I'll hang this on the chalkboard.

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