Saturday, January 29, 2005

Just a bit more of the heavy...

Introspection. Contemplation. It's all good. To constantly learn about oneself, to change, to evolve... it is a part of life. I've learned quite a bit about myself the past week, and I'm learning more. Such as, the inability to take experiences and grow from them is essentially damning yourself to a static way of life. Little did I know that something from 15 years ago could come back and wallop me... but good. At the time, I thought it was more important to let go of that part of my life (translate: bury it... and bury it deeeep).

Unfortunately, all it produced in my life was pain. I didn't take what I'd learned from it and USE it to grow. To evolve into myself. What it did was make me bitter at the tender age of 25. It took me a long, long time to trust men again. And when I thought I did, what were the rewards of these scant few relationships? More pain. More misunderstanding because I didn't understand myself. I didn't GET IT. It being that I could move forward. That I could experience something good that wasn't based on the past. That I didn't fucking BREAK. I may have bent a little, and all that did was alter my perspective.

What's this all got to do with anything, you ask? I'll tell you...

I'm ready to move on. Sure, little bits o' dis and little bits o' dat are gonna follow me. They'll haunt me. But I've lived with daemons long enough to know they can't hurt me unless I let them.

Last night I had the pleasure of spending some time with a friend who talks it all black 'n white. Little did I know what a grasp she had on my bullshit. It was stunning. Heck, I thought it was all mine, that no one could possibly understand what I've lived through. In the space of one year, I had my back broken by an irate boyfriend of a woman he was beating up. I put myself in the middle of it... and would do it again. Ten months later, my boyfriend at the time, my best friend and I got the absolute SHIT kicked out of us by five wrestlers. Then I met my fiance... things were great and then they were horrible. I'm not telling you this so you feel badly for me. This is stuff that happened. This is part of my life. And I got through it. It changed me.

And now, I'm changing me. I can do any damn thing I want. It just took me this long to realize it. (Thanks for the kick in the ass, Sue).

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