Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Squeeze on
Yes, my lovely little dears, I am watching "Iron Chef". I just got off the phone with my bestest friend in the whole wide world (Keech) and she told me of the drinking game that she and her husband play when watching it. I think I may be more about the drinking than the game, because as she was telling me the rule "If chairman Kaga wears an animal print, you drink", my question was "Every time you see him, or just in the beginning?" It's just in the beginning. (Their rules... not mine). Another of my questions: "And you drink every time someone says 'squeeze on', right?" Her response: "Christ, Ang! You'd be wasted!" Heh...
"What are some of the other rules?" you ask. Ok... Keech, tell me if I'm wrong.
1. Any time someone punches a chef, sous chef or kitchen helper in the head... gulp.
2. Any time the one dude who predicts things and is wrong... gulp.
3. Any time the twitty actress judge says "Blah blah blah... I think"... gulp.
4. Any time the dragon lady judge says "I like it... not so much"... gulp.
5. Any time Sakai takes off his toque within the first five minutes... gulp.
6. Any time either contender makes ice cream out of something that ice cream should not be made from (eel is a good example)... gulp.
7. Any time one of the commentators says "Oh look! Riiiiice..." like it's something special... gulp.
8. Any time one of the special ingredients is foie gras, caviar or some damn mushroom I can't rememeber the name of... gulp.
9. Any time a contender says something to the effect of "I'll do the best I can"... gulp
Rules I might add:
1. Any time a commentator says "It's going to be a scrappy affair"... chug.
2. Any time a contender says something of the ilk "I just try my best to be creative"... chug.
3. Any time ANYone says the word 'gristle'... chug. Ugh.
4. Any time the commentator says "...cleverly masking the fishy smell"... chug. TWICE.
5. Any time the commentator says something so frikkin' oogy like "the stingray wafer adds a nice touch to the watermelon dessert"... chug. A lot.
6. Any time commentator says "The torch has been passed"... chug.
7. Any time, at the final tasting, that Chairman Kaga looks like a propped up hollow shell of Michael Jackson... chug. And then giggle.
8. Any time one of the judges spooges all over themselves... laugh heartily... and then chug.
9. Any time you think you might want to be a judge... think of "It's a tough liver to treat... so I used crown daisy leaves in the sauce" and think again. Do you really want to put that shit in your mouth? CHUG!
"Iron Chef America" has much simpler rules. Drink any time Bobby Flay:
...drops something.
...burns himself..
...yells at a kitchen hand.
...comes close to electrocuting himself.
...is a pompous prick.
Eezy peezy Japaneezy.
Who dat snappin' back? |
"What are some of the other rules?" you ask. Ok... Keech, tell me if I'm wrong.
1. Any time someone punches a chef, sous chef or kitchen helper in the head... gulp.
2. Any time the one dude who predicts things and is wrong... gulp.
3. Any time the twitty actress judge says "Blah blah blah... I think"... gulp.
4. Any time the dragon lady judge says "I like it... not so much"... gulp.
5. Any time Sakai takes off his toque within the first five minutes... gulp.
6. Any time either contender makes ice cream out of something that ice cream should not be made from (eel is a good example)... gulp.
7. Any time one of the commentators says "Oh look! Riiiiice..." like it's something special... gulp.
8. Any time one of the special ingredients is foie gras, caviar or some damn mushroom I can't rememeber the name of... gulp.
9. Any time a contender says something to the effect of "I'll do the best I can"... gulp
Rules I might add:
1. Any time a commentator says "It's going to be a scrappy affair"... chug.
2. Any time a contender says something of the ilk "I just try my best to be creative"... chug.
3. Any time ANYone says the word 'gristle'... chug. Ugh.
4. Any time the commentator says "...cleverly masking the fishy smell"... chug. TWICE.
5. Any time the commentator says something so frikkin' oogy like "the stingray wafer adds a nice touch to the watermelon dessert"... chug. A lot.
6. Any time commentator says "The torch has been passed"... chug.
7. Any time, at the final tasting, that Chairman Kaga looks like a propped up hollow shell of Michael Jackson... chug. And then giggle.
8. Any time one of the judges spooges all over themselves... laugh heartily... and then chug.
9. Any time you think you might want to be a judge... think of "It's a tough liver to treat... so I used crown daisy leaves in the sauce" and think again. Do you really want to put that shit in your mouth? CHUG!
"Iron Chef America" has much simpler rules. Drink any time Bobby Flay:
...drops something.
...burns himself..
...yells at a kitchen hand.
...comes close to electrocuting himself.
...is a pompous prick.
Eezy peezy Japaneezy.
